I Wish He Was You
by nobodyknowsitsme
Summary: One-shot based on the song Lips of an Angel. Please leave feedback!


The entire room seemed to illuminate as Jay Halstead's phone came to life, vibrating loudly against his nightstand and flashing with caller ID. He sat up groggily, blinking at his alarm clock as he tried to orient himself. 2:07am. He realized that the phone was still ringing and quickly yanked the charger out before noticing who was calling. At the sight of the name his heart stopped, and he glanced over quickly at the sleeping form next to him before swiping his finger across the screen to answer the call.

"Hello?" he whispered as he left his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"Hi," she said softly.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" he asked, a sense of urgency in his voice. She hadn't called him this late since the night they had ended it; her voice had sounded so fragile and shattered that it took all he had in him not to take everything back. Now, as she sat breathing quietly on the other end of the line, he couldn't help but think back to that night and feel his intestines twist.

"I'm okay," she answered. He heard her pause before continuing, "My brain won't shut up and I can't sleep is all."

Jay looks toward his closed bedroom door, thinking of the sleeping woman who lay behind it. If he were to tell the truth, he couldn't say for sure whether or not he could ever really love her. Sure, they had fun and she provided a sense of comfort after a difficult day on the job, but something seemed to be missing. And while he knew the logical thing would be to hang up the phone and go climb back into bed, curled into her warmth, there was a masochistic part of him that stayed sitting on the couch, intensely hanging on to the sound of the voice coming over the speaker.

"Too much going on in that head of yours, Erin Lindsay," he answered back, a tinge of humor in his words. Buried underneath was also a hint of sadness, of understanding.

"Is she there?" Erin asked so quietly he wasn't sure he even heard her. Jay looked back toward the door before saying, "Yeah, she is." Erin sighed into the phone.

"Are you with him?" Jay could tell from her soft whispers that she wasn't alone either.

"He's sleeping in the other room," she replied. "I've been staring at the clock for hours and I just couldn't be in there anymore."

"Why didn't you wake him?" Jay asked. His question was genuinely curious, not spiteful.

"Because I knew you would get it." Her voice echoed softly through the phone, and Jay felt his stomach untwist itself. Erin had always had that effect on him, before and during their relationship. Even now, four months after they had broken up, he still had that indescribable feeling every time they so much as looked at one another.

"Well, you know I'm always here for you," he said. He knew that right now, she was probably perched on the arm of the couch with a smile that showed off her dimples. During their time together, he had taken great pride in all of the times that he could get sassy, strong Erin Lindsay to really and truly smile. Just the thought of it brought a small smile to his face.

"I wish he was you," she said, her voice cracking on the last word. The line fell silent, with only shallow breaths between them.

Jay thought back to the start of their official relationship, their "one day". How he had pulled her into a comforting hug when she found out a victim hadn't made it, tears soaking his shirt as she sobbed against it. How they had felt a palpable shift, an electricity amplified between them when she finally pulled away and glanced up at him with watery eyes. How they had both gone all in wholeheartedly and determined to make it work, regardless of all the reasons not to try.

For several months, the two of them had flourished as both partners and as a couple. Days spent on the job were balanced with nights spent lying curled into one another, whispering childhood stories and tales of how their feelings for one another had grown.

Their downfall, and most prominent disconnect, came during a conversation about their future. While Jay toyed with the idea of "one day" being a bit more permanent, Erin's insecurities and doubts brought the discussion abruptly to a stop. Jay had been the one to end it; he didn't want to let himself want things that Erin possibly never would, and he told her as much as he kissed her goodbye on her doorstep. Though of course their "goodbye" wasn't permanent (they would still be partners, after all), to both it felt as though all oxygen had been sucked out of their lungs. Erin had uncharacteristically cried for five hours straight, and Jay had drank himself into a blacked out stupor upon arriving at home. It had gotten easier over time, but that crackle of electricity between them hadn't faded. As Jay sat on the phone, he could still feel it coursing through his veins like a shock.

"I haven't really gotten over it," Erin said, her voice cracking even more. "And I know I need to because you deserve better, but I can't."

Jay squeezed his eyes shut. It would be so easy to just tell her that it's okay, that he doesn't want to get over her either. He could break up with the girl in his bed first thing in the morning and be back with Erin by the time a new case file was dropped on their desks. And God, did he want to.

"We aren't these people, Erin," Jay finally said. "Neither of us is the type to go behind someone's back, physically or emotionally." He looked back toward the closed bedroom door, hoping that she hadn't woken up.

"We should've made it," she answered back. "I should've trusted you, and I should've believed in our relationship, and I wish it was you here with me right now, and that's why I can't sleep."

Jay thought for a moment. It felt so good to hear her say all those things, and he felt a spark of hope at her proclamation that they could really, actually, truly fix this. He thought to the woman in his bed, of their lighthearted conversations and quiet nights together.

"Erin..." he started, not really knowing what to say.

"It's okay, Jay. I just really needed to get it all out instead of just thinking about it, you know? I'm sorry I woke you up."

"You know I'm always here for you," Jay repeated softly. He wanted nothing more than to just wrap her up in his arms like he had done so many times before.

"I know," Erin replied. He heard her breathe in deeply before saying, "Night, Jay."

"Goodnight, Erin."


End file.
